KSINGH'S JOKES - 5

I have got three words for you

Yes! We might all be well-known of this three-word sentence "I BLAME HIM/HER/IT/YOU/THEM".

After failed ventures in Afghanistan and Iraq, the subnormally intelligent George Bush, seems to have the perfect solution for the ongoing food price rise in the United States. He blamed the 350 Million middle class people of "developing" India(who have started to get better, financially) for consuming "better quality" food. So keeping in mind what President Bush has said, I think, Indians just have to eat to let the whole world die of hunger(no pun intended).

The Second Major party in India, the BJP, seems to have its own reasons for the food price rise in India. It blamed the ruling party, the UPA, for the price rise. This non-sensical statement is no surprise as the next Elections are fast approaching. Keeping in mind this statement, all the UPA has to now worry about is that no "comet" strikes India from space, cos that way they would be responsible for the disaster.

The latest craze in India is the IPL, Indian Premier League.

A series of Twenty20 style cricket matches, with teams comprising of star players from around the world, owned by big movie stars and business magnets, and ofcourse "cheerleaders".



It was no surprise when a Mumbai based politician raised his voice concerning the way these "imported" cheerleaders dressed or moved. If you think your mind's getting lusty looking at the cheerleaders, another solution would be using one of your body parts, called the "eyelids", to shut your eyes or rather watch the Cricketers playing the game on the field. Why should the cheerleaders be blamed for you getting lusty?

The ad agency that shot the brilliantly sweet "Happy to help" ad for Vodafone in India, was driven to court by an animal rights group that blamed the agency for leaving the "pug" used in the ad all huffed and puffed.



The sale of pugs as pets reportedly rose(with its price) after it was first used in Hutch's(Now Vodafone) ad. The cute little doggy is depicted to be chasing a bus down a road, and the animal rights group felt that "that" running was too harsh on the dog. Whats next? A ban on playing Frisbees with your pets?? Because that will surely leave your pets exhausted. For Christ's sake!! Dogs do run and play and they enjoy doing it!!

So when will this blame game stop? Thats the million dollar question.

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Bush as his best again(in Stupidity ofcourse. What else is he best in?)

After failed ventures in afghanistan and iraq, the King of Stupids, the great president of America with Subnormal Intelligence, George Bush, seems to have totally lost his head.

Man! Suddenly I am feeling a shrill fear going down me. What if America wages war against Indians? India has to worry now because we might enter the terror list as our country is posing a serious threat to the people of USA.

And whats the whole deal about the Terror List, thats very much like the FORBE's List that keeps updating itself each year. Some kind of a fashion statement to let people know that USA is still the Bully? Who cares anyway about their lists?

What does he mean to say? That he never expected us to outshine them? Or we shouldnt be growing and our middle class population shouldnt be demanding better food?

And hey! Have we, Indians, found a better option to kill more people? More powerful than the nuclear bomb discovered by USA? According to Bush's remark, We just have to eat at our pace and the world will be deprived of food and people will die of hunger. :D

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Should we mix sports and politics for a Human Cause?

“There may be times when we are powerless to prevent injustice, but there must never be a time when we fail to protest.”
~ Elie Wiesel



A prominent actor had once had my sympathies when he was dragged into problems because he supported the Narmada Bachao Aandolan, a noble cause indeed. But his stand on the Olympic-cum-Tibetan problem has left me confused. Each person has his/her personal opinions and hence I dont criticise the actor for his statement. I, however dont agree with his statement.



People being gagged in their own lands, shouting, crying, beaten and shot to death and giving out their pleas for help, getting one chance to express themselves, the Olympics, a global event, played to bring a sense of brotherhood and unity among the diverse countries of our world.......is not what is called "mixing politics and sports".

I think India should have shown its support to the People of Tibet by boycotting the current Olympics. It's nothing new. The Olympic Games have been boycotted before in 1956, 1972, 1976, 1980 and 1984 by many countries. As many as 65 nations boycotted the 1984 Olympics due to the Soviet Invasion of Afghanistan.



Human rights is of utmost importance than any sport. This earth belongs to no particular person/group. It is everyone's right to live freely without any shackles bound to them.

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"Its all about women" at Prithvi Theatre



My first play. After enjoying couple of sips of Irish Coffee(with Claudy, Ruby and Kurund) from the Prithvi Theatre cafeteria, and standing in the queue(Prithvi Theatre has a First Come First Serve basis for the allotment of seats), we entered the 200 something seater theatre.

The ambience was splendid with the dim lighting of the theatre, the chill of the AC, carpets over the floors, and the seats arranged across the theatre in a manner similar to that of the Colosseum. Not just a mere visual copy, even the sound was lucid throughout the play.

The set was simple but the stage was made use of fully. The play that was an adaptation of Miro Gavran's play, lasted for more than 2 Hours. 5 stories intertwined intelligently into one with lots of humour, not to forget a bit of adult comedy here and there.



Here's a bit of the synopsis from the Akravious Production's Website:

" In one story, the heroines are two sisters who have been on bad terms for years, while their mother tries to reconcile them. The second story is about two friends whose relationship undergoes a crisis when a third person appears. In the third story, the heroines are three secretaries, each of whom wants to advance her career, at any cost. The fourth story concentrates on three old ladies living in a retirement home, while the heroines in the fifth story are little girls at a kindergarten. "

The price of the ticket was just Rs.50 as this was a new play and our's was just their third/fourth performance.

The parts I liked were the ones with the "Older women" and the ones with the "Kids". Especially the one when the kid cries on stage while singing, after failing to find her mom present at the school's function; the enactment was damn too perfect.

The actors were truly awesome. Even after straining my gyri and sulci together, I couldnt find a single flaw in their delivery of dialogues.

I didnt expect to see such an excellent performance. Aptly speaking, their performance was way better than most prominent actors in Hindi Films and serials(and by prominent I dont mean crappy actors like Shiny Ahuja or John Abraham), and I wonder why I havent seen them on T.V. No wonder the whole crowd rose to give them a standing ovation at the end of the play.

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Akshay Kumar, the Car and Thumbs up

Thumbs Up ads failed to impress me the last couple of times, be it Akshay Kumar riding into the dark side and drinking the cola on top of a tower or Jumping down from the building and stealing away a bottle of cola from a passing Thumbs Up Truck.

The recent ad though has got me awestruck. For an ad that costed crores, and after being highly hyped ad, the Thumbs up ad surely isnt that great after all. Though this ad hasnt been well acclaimed by the critics, I loved it.



Akshay Kumar best fits into the whacko racer character. But the thing that stole my heart was the lady.. Nope! Not that scared girl but the car that was close to the Ford Mustang used in Gone in 60 Seconds in looks. The car was just perfect for the ad.

The part where the lady in the car shouts out loud and Akshay Kumar shouts in return like imitating her was Genuine "Akshayish" Stuff and couldnt stop laughing at that.

The editing of the scenes couldnt have gotten better than this as the whole chasing scene seems continuous. I feel this is the best car chasing scene ever to be made with an Indian Actor(though shot in Malaysia by a Malaysian Director), and it will go down on my list of favorites.

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The divide that wasnt!.... or was it?

The current violence in Mumbai(of MNS members and Samajwadi Party members) can be seen in different ways.

One, as jealousy, that of Amitabh getting closer to Balasaheb rather than to Raj Thackeray.

Two, as politics. The Shiv Sena has widened its acceptance by calling Bhaiyyas as respectful Uttar Hindustanis in order to increase their vote banks in North Mumbai. And MNS had the right chance to check-mate their rivals by this show of Marathi Manoos emotions, to catch hold of Marathi votes who feel betrayed by the Shiv Sena's Marathi Manoos promises. Believe it or not, but even though most Maharashtrians seem to say they dont support MNSs stance in the on-going controversy, they contradict themselves in their heart.

Third, and the most important of all, the basic law of nature. It is paradoxical. We want India to spread its arms around the world with its industries and cultures. But we dont want foreign countries to dominate us. Dont worry it is perfectly normal being egoistic. North-Indians trying to dominate the Maharashtrian Culture seems unpalatable to the hardcore Maharashtrians. And why not? Are we forgetting that we are animals too. That we want our lands to be secure from intruders. We want our cultures to dominate the land that we rule(or even spread to other lands). The world is a game of the Survival of the fittest. In order to dominate their lands, animals have to display their strengths from time to time, otherwise their dominance and cultures might get lost in the wind.

This divide already existed in India. Be it the current Maharashtrian - North-Indian divide or the bigger and older North-Indian South-Indian divide. It has to be kept in mind, that India will remain 'Unity in Diversity' only if groups of various cultures RESPECT each other's values. After all, you wont allow some stranger to enter your house and sit on your sofa and curl up his feet on your tea table, would you?

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Global Warming or Global Cooling?

I couldnt help noticing the 99% people(1% being the parish priest and the altar boys ;)) of my parish wrapped up in sweaters and mufflers when I visited the church this saturday. This was a rare sight. Ofcourse, Mumbai going 7 to 8.5 degrees is a rare climatic condition too. It has been recorded as the lowest temperature in the past 46 years. And we raise our eyebrows when we hear news that most sweaters in our area have been sold out, like hot cakes. Can we call these the effects of global warming? Are Humans the only reason for this change in Climate?

No. Humans arent solely responsible for this change. Though our activities(causing pollution and the release of greenhouse gases) are acting as a catalyst, our Earth's climate has seen drops and rises since it was born. Our earth has already been through Four Ice Ages. We are in the midst of the Ice Age that started 1000s of years ago. Proof? The ice covers in the northern and sourthern hemispheres, that still prevail. Michael Crichton's book, "State of Fear", discusses this very fact.

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Clash of cultures and the formation of Indian Taboos

This article is in connection with the 31st Night Molestation Case of Female Tourists at two prominent places in India. I got a chance to catch the debate live on CNN-IBN as I reached home the other night. No! I am not going to start discussing how bad the molestation was on India's reputation or whether Indian Women are safe outside or whether it was a sorry sight. "Is India Sex Starved?" was the title of the debate that was on. And one of the participants, when asked about whether it was Indian Culture that lead us to be sex starved, took on a different view. A view that I agree upon. And this blog delivers that view to you.

Anyway, if you need to know about women's safety in India, here's the link that gives the ranking of countries with the most number of rapes. US ranks 9th and well, India ranks 56th. See it for yourself.

Nudity was never intolerant in ancient India. Scientifically, because of the Tropical Climate, Indians(men and women alike) dressed only the bottom half of their body, unlike Europeans who used to be fully dressed given the cold climatic conditions.

Our country was sexually tolerant in ages as early as 500 BC. Kamasutra, the best know Sex Education book, was a work on the science of love and was intended as both an exploration of human desire and a technical guide to pleasing a sexual partner within a marriage. Sex was considered to be a duty between partners after marriage which can be depicted in Khajuraho Temples and Ajanta caves.

Osho or Bhagwan Shree Rajneesh, was one, who was quite controversial for his OPEN stance on Sex in Modern India.

Osho

He said, no one should suppress his/her desires. His admirers include Dr. Manmohan Singh, Vinod Khanna and Khushwant Singh.

The 'Osho International Meditation Resort' at Pune

'Osho International Meditation Resort' at Pune has more than 2,00,000 visitors annually and is one of the largest spiritual growth centres in the world.

The current thinking that 'sex is a taboo' is the output of two inputs viz. the Mughal, and the Colonial Eras. In the 16th Century, the liberal way of life first got a shot in the arm as the Mughal Era came in with the "purdah" system, which is not only prevalent amongst Muslims in India today but also amongst Hindus.
Aurangzeb

Aurangzeb(The Mughal Emperor)

However, the biggest effect on India's look towards sex was caused by the British Raj. The current colonization of Indian minds with European conservative values was caused by British education, administration and literature that was mostly biased. Indians thus converted their religious practices and moral values to Victorian kinds. Consider current issues. Unlike western cultures considering Homosexuality as being anti-social or psychopathological requiring correction or cure, Ancient India already knew about 'tritiya-prakriti' or Third Nature(transgenders, homosexuals, transsexuals, bisexuals etc). God is Ardhanarisvara for Hindus, which means half male and half female, and hence they have a semi-divine status with the power to bless as well as curse.

Gay Pride at Toronto

Taking example of Gods, Lord Ayyappa was born of Lord Shiva and Mohini. Mohini was a female incarnation of Vishnu. Aravan Festivals is just one of the many festivals of the third sex celebrated in India.

The controversial Kinsey Report
Ofcourse, we dont need Dr. Alfred Kinsey to conduct a survey of millions and tell us how sick the Victorian kind of values were.

Though Britishers were kicked out of India, their laws(read JOKES) still rule us. E.g. Section 377 in the Indian Judiciary.
So chill! We might have not been to the moon first(we havent yet), or have launched missiles from Space, but, Hey! We were the first Sexually Liberate country.

Time for some practicals:

Switch(tryThese) {

case 1:

The next time a politician tells you to NOT celebrate Valentines Day, because lovers cannot exhibit affection, hand him a book of Kamasutra.

The Kamasutra

case 2:

When he tells you to ban nude arts from the art galleries calling them AGAINST INDIAN CULTURE take him on a visit to Khajuraho Temples. If he is against nudity, make him understand how people of different geographical locations dress according to their climatic conditions. Cover him in sweater from head to toe and send him to Alaska, and revert, not until he accords with you.

case 3: If he tells you to ban Sex Education from Schools , slap him and give him a second copy of Kamasutra. And slap him again, because we arent living in the Stone Age. Each child has got access to the internet; a home for nearly 4.2 million porn websites, a sight good for sour eyes.
case 4:

If he tells you to be homophobic and bash up homosexuals and transexuals or ban movies like FIRE(or Psst! GirlFriend) tell him that in Ancient India(and even today) Hindu Priests performed Same-Sex marriages.

Navratna Tel
Put on Navratna Tel on his head and explain that Priests believe "Love is the result of attachments from previous births and that marriage, as a union of spirit, is existing outside gender".

default:

Even if after all this he doesnot understand then drink a glass of Adam's Ale and arrange a Short-Course in Indian History for him. If he doesnt understand even then, punch him with your bunch of fives and send him back to nursery.



How to punch for greater effect

}

And by the way! It is no longer a-la-mode to say, "We have been victimized by British Imperialism and Mughals". Shahrukh Khan will not cry with you on that holding a whisky bottle. It is time to stop complaining and change and become the Shahrukh of Swades;not of Devdas.

Dont be a Devdas

The only way India can decrease population and its ranking in AIDS is by letting its people freely talk about sex. Politicians will remain politicians, leave them alone as they are sure to enter the door with the "Abandon-hope-all-ye-who-enter-here" inscription on it. However, if they are adamant and say if they dont want to EVEN speak of "Condoms" openly, try this trick on them. Ask him, "Pata hain! DUM mar gaya! Arrey! Apna DUM" (DUM pronounced like DUM in DUMMY). He is sure to respond, "Kaun DUM?". And voila! There you are.

Please note, I am not blaming the media, for pinpointing only on negative aspects. If it wasnt for the media telecasting the molestation(whole day long), the police wouldnt have acted on the "minor issue" like they have done now.

We call the western world OPEN. But they are actually moving back to our times. Dont you think this is a Circle and that we are going back to the same point? Dont you think we are already going against the grain?

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Our beautiful skin!!

Well, remember when you get a cut or burn or some injury, your daily activities seem to suffer because of that injury. We tend to understand how IMPORTANT that part of the body is, however small it might be; how we take care of the injured part with all our heart, but as the injury fades away we seem to forget the pain and we strike back to our adventurous ways.

I got into a bit of an unfortunate mishap during diwali. Yeah! Crackers intimidate me. Especially when my friends seem to enjoy it as a sport, to throw them lit up on people and more especially when it is our very own "RASSI BOMB". Man! I fell down trying to escape the sudden attack, injuring a finger on my left hand.

It was terrible after that. I couldnt bend my finger. A single cut on the left hand caused bigger problems.

But it was interesting to see how the cut got filled up in a week. Okay! Many might not agree upon the INTERESTING part, but it is ACTUALLY interesting when you understand how beautifully our body works. I wanted to capture all these. You will find here a series of photos of the development of the skin taken between Day One to Day Seven.